Livin’ in New York City Post 9: The St. Louis Cardinals Traded Who?
The IFC Center in Greenwich Village boasts an amazing selection of classic films, foreign cinema and arthouse movies with an ever-changing schedule.
There are times living in this city where it all feels like a dream. A dream that I pray I never wake up from. If this is the case, and I’m secretly comatose with my New York exploits being a figment of my imagination, never pull the plug on me. If that plug is pulled, I’m going to go into a blind rage because eternal paradise won’t compare to this current state of being.
Heaven is one thing I find to be scary. A place where everything is perfect? I don’t know if I can handle such a place. None of us can. That’s the whole deal of the human condition. You are faced with problems, imperfections and tragedies and you have to adapt. That’s where conflict comes from. That’s where life comes from. It’s all about dealing with the things that come your way which is why I find the idea of paradise to be boring. Say what you want about hell, at least there’s things you have to deal with.
This is why I have a few suggestions that God can make to make heaven better suited for me. I need some things to go wrong in heaven. Nothing major but just a few little things to keep me on my toes. Things I have to just deal with on my own. Here’s a list:
I still can’t like cheese. I can’t eat every kind of food. It’s just too many options. I’ll never be able to eat if I can’t decide what I want. Sometimes having limits can be healthy.
I need just one chair that hurts my ass when I sit in it. How many chairs are there in heaven? Billions at least. All I need is one chair that is just plain uncomfortable. It might be millenia before I find it but the anticipation I feel every time I take a seat will make for one fun game.
Once a year, I need to have a splitting headache that lasts for 8 minutes. It has to hurt to the point where I need to lie down on a cloud. Jesus also can’t make it go away. It’s something I must face on my own.
But enough of the afterlife. That’s roughly 80 years down the road (knock on wood). I’m here to report from New York the following: stop calling it “The Big Apple.” It’s a nickname that is as degrading as it is stupid. Only tourists call it that and no one knows why. If you actually look at the origin of the term, it was used by sports writers in the early 20th century to refer to the racetracks for horse racing. Let me ask you this, where is this Big Apple even located? All our apples are of adequate size. At least “The Windy City” makes sense for Chicago. The wind chill of winter will make you utter obscenities.
Much like Illinois, New York has had a resurgence of summer in the past couple of weeks. But the cold weather is coming. So, I’ve spent the past couple of months growing out my hair. My hair is going to look like a hippie. The idea began forming in my mind for quite some time. I read in Robbie Robertson’s autobiography, “Testimony,” about his choice to grow his hair out. A friend of Bob Dylan’s said to him how it’s better for your scalp and better for your whole body. It seems to be a freeing experience.
But secretly, it’s because I don’t trust anyone except my mother to cut my hair. Never pay for something you can get for free.
In my social life, I’ve been religiously watching movies in theaters, both new releases and older films. One interesting experience was when I went to the IFC Center to see a double feature as part of their series Documentary Now and Forever. For those who don’t know, “Documentary Now” is a comedy series created by Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers and Rhys Thomas and each episode is a parody of a famous documentary. For this series, the theater played a classic documentary followed by the episode of “Documentary Now” which parodied it.
One night, I went to see the film “Burden of Dreams” which chronicles the making of Werner Herzog’s ambitious film “Fitzcarraldo.” The filming of this great film was notoriously difficult as Herzog had to shoot in the Amazon, avoid conflicts with native tribes, deal with terrible weather conditions, manage a temperamental leading actor and recast the film when 40% of it was already shot and start over from scratch. The “Documentary Now” episode, “Soldiers of Illusions,” shows a Herzog-type director (Alexander Skarsgard) as he tries to simultaneously make a gripping documentary about a mountain village in Russia and a CBS comedy pilot.
What made the experience so exciting was that this was a new episode from “Documentary Now’s” upcoming fourth season that none of us had seen before. We watched “Burden of Dreams” first and the audience was completely captivated. But it was when they played “Soldiers of Illusions” that the night got truly interesting. Since we were all aware of the film it was parodying, the jokes just hit so much harder. It’s like watching “Spaceballs” immediately after “Star Wars” or “Young Frankenstein” after the original 1931 “Frankenstein.”
If I have to pick some favorite spots in the city, there’s Strawberry Fields in Central Park, Little Italy, Tom’s Restaurant and my block in Bed-Stuy. But there’s also those couple of blocks in Greenwich Village where there’s so much to explore. The IFC Center, Joe’s Pizza on Carmine, The Cellar Dog and a whole slew of bars, comedy clubs, music venues are all located in that area. It’s one of those essential arteries of the city.
But I don’t want you to feel like I’ve only been exploring Manhattan. Because Brooklyn also has so much to see and there are a lot less tourists to deal with. When my Aunt Krisha came to visit New York for a conference, we spent two nights going to different parts of Brooklyn. One night, we went to Williamsburg (the modern one not the colonial one) to enjoy a Southern restaurant called Pies ‘n’ Thighs for a savory combination of catfish, cornbread and apple pie. During our conversation, I managed to convince Krisha that I was vegan. For about 1 second. I think that joke is going to come in handy when I return to Farmer City.
The next day, we went to Dumbo which is where the Manhattan Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge originate. One of the most important institutions in this area is the famous pizzeria Grimaldi’s. While splitting an unbelievable pizza called The Don, I noticed that there was a couple sitting next to us eating pizza. The guy was committing a cardinal sin of pizza. He was eating it with a fork. Are you kidding me?!?! You should know better! You might be thinking, “maybe he was eating it with a fork to be polite to his date.” Nope. She was using her hands and going to town on that pie which I completely respect. So there are two lessons to learn from this. First, never eat pizza with a fork. Second, if you’re a woman, you don’t need to eat politely when it comes to pizza. It’s a food that doesn’t care how you eat it. Just as long as you don’t eat it with the crust ending first. That’s just weird.
When my Aunt Krisha arrived to New York, we made sure to check out the Pebble Beach which is located by both the Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan Bridge.
In my quest to set foot on every square inch of Manhattan, I went to the movies on the Upper East Side. As I walked around the neighborhood, I saw the East 86th Street Cinema which has been permanently closed since 2019. To me, there is nothing more depressing than a cinema that no longer functions. It just sits there and there’s really nothing else you can do with that space. It was meant to be a theater.
Following that, as I continued to wander, I found myself both hungry and needing to write. So, I decided to go to my first 24 hour diner: The Midnight Express Diner. I have a massive respect for the 24 hour diner model. As someone who has worked in food service, it takes a lot to keep a restaurant clean and that’s when you have a set opening and closing time. Imagine keeping a 24 hour diner running smoothly.
So there I am, writing in a notepad while eating scrambled eggs at 11:23 at night, and I’m looking around at all of the photos on the walls. I found myself between two truly great men. Geniuses. Muhammad Ali on my left and Bob Dylan on my right. Both reviled and praised for their beliefs but they live forever while their critics are bloated and dead. Don’t be afraid to be a revolutionary, you just might get your picture hung up in a diner.
As great as it is to go to diners and trendy restaurants, I was looking for something that reminds me a bit of my roots. And I found it in Hell’s Kitchen. While that neighborhood has a rough history, it’s actually a very lovely place and it’s also home to a country bar called The Waylon. Granted, it’s a Green Bay Packers bar but it was a Wednesday night so I figured I was fine.
It was a pretty cool place to hang out with lovely outdoor seating, beautiful woodwork and the best fried pickles I’ve ever had. There was also a guitar duo who played some good music. I think I knew I was in the right place when I took my first bite of the fried pickle and the band played “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks.
Harrison Bader in a Yankees’ pinstripe uniform just doesn’t look right, especially since he no longer has his mullet.
It’s a good thing I had those fried pickles because I was watching a Yankee game on the bar’s television when I thought the centerfielder for the Yankees looked familiar. Then I saw the batting lineup and I realized why I thought he looked so familiar. It was Harrison Bader who, until over a month ago, was playing centerfield for the St. Louis Cardinals. Since I don’t have the Bally Sports Midwest Channel in New York, I haven’t been able to keep up with the Cardinals as much as I would like and I didn’t hear that Bader had been traded.
So, when I found out about Bader’s new team, I wasn’t happy. He was easily one of the best parts of St. Louis’ defense and it was hard to believe that we traded him. What’s harder to believe is that the Yankees, in keeping with their strict dress code, made him cut his mullet. Why would you have him cut his flowing mane? You elitist, pinstripe-wearing bastards can take that dress code and shove it. With that said, if the Cardinals don’t make it to the World Series this year, I’m rooting for you guys. But it’s not for you and it’s not because I now live in New York. It’s for Harrison Bader and his amazing six seasons with us. Although, we did trade him for a pitcher, Jordan Montgomery, nicknamed “Gumby” so someone better call up Eddie Murphy. Cardinals broadcasting had better start writing him residual checks.
After a night eating at The Waylon and shooting pool at the Cellar Dog, my friends and I were walking back to the train in Greenwich Village when we realized that we were walking by The Stonewall Inn. For those who don’t know, The Stonewall Inn is an important landmark in American History because it’s where the modern gay liberation movement began. As someone who knows, works with and respects so many LGBTQ+ people and considers themselves an ally, this was important to see.
On June 28, 1969, a police raid took place at Stonewall which was, and is, a gay bar. As the police were rounding up the patrons and subjecting them to humiliation and hostility, the patrons of Stonewall as well as other gay bars in the area fought back. For nearly a week, there were protests and riots with LGBTQ+ people and their allies clashing with cops. A year later, the first gay pride parades and marches started and the movement began. And it’s over 50 years later and that movement for legal and social equality is still being fought. I also found comfort in that building because it’s still standing while so many people and organizations like Jesse Helms, Anita Bryant, Focus on the Family, Jerry Falwell and the Moral Majority are either dead, irrelevant or on their way to becoming so.
Now, fall is here and I’m excited to see the city. Everyone I know is so excited for the changing colors and the atmosphere. I can’t wait to see what New York has to offer for this autumn.
The Stonewall Inn remains to this day an important piece of American History and I’m grateful to have stood in its presence.
